A woman named "Cat" is perfect i suppose to chase a Byrdman. She sent me this email (thanks Cat!)
1.Do not date married women or women currently in romantic relationships. (this is what would be called a Prime Directive)
This is the best one. Cat divorced her first husband for a married man. Cat has also learned many lessons from suffering experiences similar to Byrdman's. There is actually Part A and Part B to this lesson. The first is dating married men is useless because normally they'll never leave their wives for you. Part B is sometimes they actually DO leave their wives for you and then you end up marrying them. Then you start to get into Byrdman's Rule #45.
2.Do not date women recently out of relationships, (1-year waiting period for marriages/living together arrangements and 6 months for other love interest relationships).
Absolutely. There is formula for this. It takes about one month to get over every year of the marriage/relationship. Cat can prove this. After being involved with her first husband for a total of 7 years, it took about 6 months or so to get back into the swing of things again. Then it took a little over a year to get over 14 years of blind devotion to hubby no. 2.
3.Don't have sex with women referenced in Rules #1 or #2.
Right! No matter how gorgeous his long hair is - resist at all costs!
4.Never sleep with women who wear flowered dresses. (Okay, so I hate flowered dresses).
Cat's Corollary: Never sleep with men who have their names on their belt buckles. It's a tomb stone for a dead dick.
Byrdman has NO beltbuckles with his name on them, Or anyone else's name either. And I don't drive a corvette either.
5.Do not date homeless women. (They never leave).
Cat's Corollary: Do not date men with small children. (They expect you to play babysitter.)
6.If she says, "it feels so right," drop everything and run like hell (she just told you she feels she is Ms. Right).
Cat thinks that Byrdman should reconsider this rule because the woman may just be remarking that Byrdman has finally found the right spot during the throes of passion.... ;)
I was more referring to statements made when the Big head (not the little head below the belt) was in control of the mouth.
7.Byrdman does not participate in sex activities with more than one woman at a time. (I.e.. NO GROUPS,). I feel the need to speak up and say that it is NOT Byrdman's fantasy, But it does make for good press to say all men do have that as their #1 fantasy.
Cat will allow that most women also have the same fantasy but will never admit it. However, Cat has proven the theory that more than two people participating in sex at the same time is not all it's imagined to be and has therefore been able to purge her waking consciousness of this overrated fantasy.
8.Do not date non-smokers or ex-smokers, unless they are planning to take up smoking immediately. (Yes, proof of Nicotine addiction is required).
Cats are fastidiously clean animals when it comes to personal hygiene and as an ex-smoker whose sense of smell and taste works again she can see how Byrdman would resent the constant nagging of a woman who doesn't smoke. BUT! This particular Cat is NOT a nag ( she has references to prove it ) and would be willing to keep her ideas and any related negative gestures/body language/sounds to herself if the smoker chewed gum at those certain critical times to get rid of the tar breath so as to give her a break. Also the smoker must be able to take a certain amount of good natured teasing about his tobacco worship. :)
9.Do not date women with shorter hair than Byrdman, unless they will wear wigs. (Proof of wig ownership is required).
This particular Cat is of the fairly long-haired variety ( but not thick unfortunately because of the somewhat defective genes inherited from the maternal line) and makes the observation that her hair is probably at least twice as long as Byrdman's. Cat also wants to make it known that long-haired men have the same effect upon her as catnip does to her feline friends. Moustaches and beards have also been known to bring on some interesting responses from Cat. *prrrrrrrr*
10.Do not date women who want more kids. (Byrdman is finished with the kid making business).
Cat has one wonderful son who is 19 and whom she loves dearly but after experiencing the motherhood thang she invested in two little gold clamps many years ago and got out of the kid making business herself.
11.Only date women who have their own place (no male roommates).
Cat disagrees with the "male" requirement of roommates because women are too much of a pain in the ass as roommates. Cat gets tired of dealing with feminine emotional head cases and has found that evesdropping on the testosterone discussions between a male roommate and his buddies is quality entertainment. The angst of a 27-year-old roommate et.al. is a lot more fun to observe.
12.Do not date women with tattoos, especially misspelled ones.
Cat's Corollary: Do not date men with studs and rings drilled through various body parts.
13.Do not date women into "Alphabet" sex (B&D, S&M, etc., etc.).
Cat agrees that childbirth was the only pain she ever intends to endure and does not care to dish it out either.
14.Women with breast implants need a more elastic relationship than Byrdman.
Cat doesn't have a lot to brag about but at least it's all original equipment with no modifications.
15.Women who drink during sex hours are to be denied access to long term relationships. (If she has to get drunk to fool around then she has some serious baggage she needs to get rid of and Byrdman isn't going to pay for that therapy).
Lesson no. 31 Cat has learned. Although she enjoys her occasional black russian, she had better abstain from them if she is to derive any satisfaction during sex because she has proven her observation that demon alcohol tends to deaden those most crucial parts required for that ultimate feeling.
16.Safe Sex is mandatory. NO EXCEPTIONS.
17.Never let women leave personal possessions at your house that they expect to retrieve.
Cat knows that this is a sneaky, devious ploy used by most women as an excuse to see a man again that they think they like and has even been temped herself to stoop to this same level but fortunately Cat has been able to resist the temptation of this transparent maneuver. However, Cat wants it to be known that she doesn't carry a purse for the sole reason that she can never remember to take the darn thing and leaves her checkbook and driver's license in the car so she doesn't lose them. This Cat travels light.
18.All rules may have a maximum of one exception (to prove the rule). (well 2 if she's really hot).
This is good news for Cat because she has two tatoos (one of which is, of all things, a cat!)
19.When questioning if an opportunity is going to break a rule. Back away and save her phone number till the manual can be consulted (and modified if she is worth it).
Cat is happy to see that Byrdman is flexible enough to make changes and modifications to his manual as he encounters various species of women -- expecially those of the phylum 'Cat' that have evolved into somewhat more interesting creatures than most other female types.
20.Always take a moment to remember why you quit seeing Ms. Wrong before hopping back into bed with her.
Cat admits that she has never had any desire to jump back into bed with Mr. Wrong.
21.Never get involved with a women who was born wealthy (and has never been broke) She can't comprehend what it takes to survive in the real world. (The only exception would be if she had a really bad cough, no relatives, and is willing to leave all her money to you in her will immediately).
Cat has spent the required amount of time in the outhouse as a child and observes that having done without certain things makes one appreciate them more when one later is able to have them. Adversity also helps to put many things into perspective about what is important enough to worry about and what is not.
22.Women are not allowed to move in... PERIOD!
Cat has also decided that a man living with her would definitely cramp her style at this point in her life.
23.Women have their choice of either leaving early the following morning or slipping out during the night. 11am Check out time will be enforced and the female is banned for life from dating the Byrdman after the first violation.
Cat thinks Byrdman should be held responsible for any violations of this rule since it is after all HIS house and he supposedly is in charge. ;)
She has a point... and it shall be taken into consideration at the next ByrdUnion Meeting
24.Discontinue dating any woman who cleans the bathroom on first date. (yes, this really happened, as with all the rules here, every rule
is based on a real incident) .
Cat frowns on such obsessive-compulsive behavior herself and generally is fairly tolerant of folks bathrooms just as long as she doesn't perceive that the things growing there will reach out and touch her while she is taking care of her business.
25.Natural Redheads are all psycho-twinkies and no matter how attractive, you must, at all costs, STAY AWAY.
Cat has not had very much experience with men with red hair except for one and she finds much amusement in his anti-establishment obsession where he stamps all his money with a certain political phrase.
26.Bewarned! The most dangerous female is a natural blonde who dyes her hair red (a psycho-twinkie wannabe. See rule #25).
What do you call a brunette who tints her hair green?
Never had a romantic relationship with a greenhaired brunette (do you have a phone number for her?)
27.Never continue to date a woman who picks lint off you. (What am I, A monkey?)
Cat's Corollary: Never continue to date a man who stops for stop signs in empty mall parking lots.
28.If A woman filters through all the rules, invent a new rule. (Coming soon as rule #99)
Cat thinks Byrdman is a little paranoid here but is interested anyway in what other rules he can come up with.
29.If she tells you she is brutally honest in your first conversation with her, she probably isn't.
If a woman takes the trouble to try to convince you that she's being truthful then you're probably right. Cat is generally an honest person and figures that the other person will either believe her or he won't and so doesn't worry herself about it too much. Cat notes that her hubby no. 2 never believed most of what she said even though she was later proved to be truthful over and over again and was shocked to ultimately find that no. 2 was the one doing most of the lying. Imagine that!
30.Women who say they only want you for sex are lying and should be avoided at all cost. (Women don't think like men... and that is a male thing).
A woman who says she only wants a man for sex probably already has a masculine money source and doesn't want to give up the cashflow for a hansome stud. Otherwise she more than likely IS lying as you say.
31.Sex in exchange for computer work may be done if all variables are thoroughly thought out.
*perk* Computer work??? Damn! You mean all this time that's all I had to do?!
I think this falls under "can you spell DUH?" Never got out of a speeding ticket by winking your eyes or showin clevage to a cop?. god didn't give man enough blood for both heads.
32.Never make a date or have sex with a woman who won't show you her face on Internet video feeds.
Cat is curious about the story behind this particular rule. It HAS to be a good one she's willing to bet.
33.Universal Truth Of Nature #1: Women lie too (they call it "changing their minds").
Cat's Corollary: Men just tell the story and stick to it. -- I love that song. :)
34.Remember. Don't show prospective future ex-wives ALL the Byrd rules!. (They will work the system against you).
Ooooohhh. A gooood one! Cat gives Byrdman some credit for at least dating women intelligent enough to figure out his system. Except for maybe the redheads.....
35.Never meet women for the first time in a "one-on-one" situation(always have witnesses and people to save you nearby in case you need a quick escape).
Cat's Corollary: Never let your stupid roommate meet your date first unless you're prepared to listen to several weeks of juvenile descriptions of his appearance.
36.Never date women born after 1963 (unless they are 60's history major). The rule is actually 1960 but there is this really cute girl I want to date and I needed to modify this rule for her because she was born in 1963. (authorized via Rules #18 and 19).
Cat's Corollary: Never date men who bought into the disco craze of the seventies. Addititionally, Cat is of the opinion that 1957 was a good year for Cats. ;)
37.There is only ONE argument with the Byrdman. It is both the FIRST&LAST one. There will be no dating a woman after an argument has occurred.
Cats rarely lose their cool and if they do they recover very quickly. Cat has found that there are very few things in this world worth arguing about and usually carefully listens to the man's point of view. Then she will either 1) agree with what he said or 2) disagree with what he said and go ahead and do whatever she was going to do anyway. However, Cat is not an unreasonable person and if what the man says has merit then she is more than willing to modify her actions. Cat has lots of practice at considering the relative merits of bothering to argue about something after being married to a manic-depressive for 14 years.
38.Never Date Clients or Employees of clients no matter how attracted you are to them, It can get really ugly when you break up. (But get her phone number if she quits or get fired).
Cat's sister is living proof of the validity of this rule. Let it be known that Cat also learns from the mistakes of those close to her.
39.Beware!... Women who claim that friendship is their only goal are usually not being truthful. (I know this isn't a rule. just a reminder). (beware of statements like "well, you never know what might happen).
Cat's goal is to only claim friendship with men she has no interest in spending forever with. One of these days if she ever meets a long-haired man who is able to express himself well and tends to look at this world with the same warped, irreverent sense of humor that she does and also doesn't take himself too seriously then well... you just never know what might happen..
Am I mistaken or did she just say that dreaded phrase! (AAARRRRGGGG!!!!!)
40.Female Drummers are to no longer be considered datable. (their left and right brains are totally separate from each other) It is like dating 2 women that don't like each other. * Reference Byrd Rule #7 *.
Cat's Corollary: Men who would rather play Magic: The Gathering than have sex are not worth the effort no matter HOW long their hair is. (Let it be known that Cat loves to play Magic but will always forsake a card game to get laid.)
41.Women who state they are "low maintenance women" are always high maintenance women.
42.Women who state they are "high maintenance women" are always high maintenance women.
43.There is no such thing as a "low maintenance woman". (See Rules 41 and 42).
Cat's Observation: There really ARE such things as "low maintenance women" but most men would rather not associate with them due to various undesirable aspects. "High maintenance women" can be subdivided into two categories, reasonable and unreasonable. Apparently, Byrdman has only had experience with the latter.
44.Discontinue all contact if you catch them cheating on you. (Don't buy into the excuses, there are no forgivable excuses for violation of personal trust, and if they do it once, they will do it again and again).
It took Cat a little longer to learn this lesson. She had to get to the "again and again" part before she finally discontinued all contact with no. 2 hubby.
45.Do not date women who have admitted cheating in their prior relationships, They are preparing you for when she cheats on you (Remember you can't break a Hound-dog from sucking eggs).
The logical response to this then is to never admit to cheating in prior relationships. Cats are quick studies.
46.Never Forget.. If she talks ugly about ALL her prior relationships, You're probably next on the list of guys to be talked about (All the details of this relationship are about to be propagated and distorted referencing you to all her future relationships).
Cat bears no ill will toward her ex's. For one, it's too much trouble to maintain the anger and second she really did love them at one time so they aren't complete and total ogres. In fact, Cat readily gives credit to no. 1 hubby for the fine job he did raising "The Kid" who turned out to be a very cool young man.
47.Don't let friends "Fix you up" with their other friends unless you are prepared to lose the friendship with them.
Cat's friends haven't done her any of these "favors" yet.
48.Beware of dating women with children living at home. (You end up dating the woman long after the attraction burns out because you still love the kid).
Cat will be the first to admit that she is not a real kid person to begin with and has never had any problems in this area.
49.If a Woman says the dreaded "I LOVE YOU" phrase in the first 120 days of the relationship or right after a sexual event then run like hell. She probably uses that phrase often to catch/hook/reel in her man. (Same way other guys use it to get some nookie from a woman they lust for and don't really want to know except once or twice biblically).
Cat's note to self: Don't say "I love you" till day 121 of the relationship.
A perfect example of why Rule #34 Exists
50.If she Says "My last boyfriend was older than you", It is your responsibility to explain to her that that relationship didn't work out either. Send her back to clue school. (she obviously didn't figure it out).
Cat hasn't pondered the concept of "boyfriend" since high school. Presently she is content with life the way it is without one. But ya never know what might happen..
51.Watch carefully for the drinking habits on the first few dates with any drinker. Functional alcoholics can fool you easily. (and they never admit to drinking much or having a problem).
Cat is curious about what is so bad about a "functional" alcoholic with the obvious exception of drunk driving. If an alcoholic if functional then doesn't that imply that they can act normal in a given situation? Granted they may be killing themselves but don't smokers also do the same thing? This rule sounds like either a good debate or an interesting story. I think I'll go make my drink now....... ;)
Like only a woman who has had a child truly understands childbirth. Only someone who has lived with the functional alcoholic understands the negative points.
52.Give BiCurious women a quarter and tell them to call you once they have satisfied their curiosity (Interesting note, They don't consider sleeping around with women to be cheating, but "exploring their sexuality". Go figure.).
Kind of like Slick Willie saying that a blow job isn't committing adultery, huh.
I don't think Slick Willie follows the same set of Rules I do.. ie Monica,Paula,Jennifer and the rest.
53.It's not you, It's not you, It's not you! You're just attracted to strange women. At least you can now add a new rule. (write it down on your bathroom mirror 100 times after each failed relationship).
Cat tries to stay emotionally remote from the men she dates until she determines them worthy of knowing the real person within. This is absolutely a defensive maneuver and she is not ashamed to admit it.
54.If she tells you she is allergic to cats but tells you "Gee, for some reason your cat doesn't affect me" get rid of her (FAST), She is planning on moving your cat out when she thinks she has a grapple hold on you.
Cat thinks Byrdman may appreciate the story of how Cat's feline friend once threw up a hairball on no. 2 hubby's Redskins jacket that he so recklessly left on the back of the chair that everyone knew belonged to Punkin. Unfortunately, Punkin disappeared shortly after that when Cat refused to get upset about the jacket and instead defended Punkin. >:-( (Cat is a huge Eagles fan, heh heh)
55.Remind all potential romantic partners that Byrdman has been married and divorced three times and that if he gets married again he will only do so with her knowing he plans on being a widower the next time (That should scare off any that are faint of heart).
After trying twice, Cat really doesn't care if she gets married again or not as long as she can get laid every once in a while by someone she really cares about and who actually gives a damn about Cat.
56.If a woman strongly states that she hates being given flowers, this means that she wants to be given flowers. (took me 25 years of dating to figure this one out..) (One night a drunk female broke the rules and told me this. I think she was banned from the sisterhood afterwards).
Fortunately Cat is of a different type than the rest of the female genre. I HATE getting flowers. They do nothing but die and then I have to go through the disagreeable task of throwing away something that was given to me by someone who took the time to think of me. If a man really wanted to show me that I was in his thoughts, then a carefully chosen card would be a good thing -- but not a mushy card -- I don't like those either. Something I could keep. Or maybe something that he knows I really like -- like scented candles...... or Turtles...... or a book by one of my favorite authors......... or a CD by one of my favorite bands. Something I could enjoy where everytime I looked at it or used it or relished it I would think of him. No, flowers definitely suck.
57.Did I mention that I hate flowered dresses ?
Did I mention that I hate mushy, romantic stuff?
Nope, you didn't
58.When the song "How can I miss you if you won't go away" keeps going through your head, And she finally leaves, Be glad she got into a drunk and left in the middle of the night and saved you from having to end it. (Don't open the door when they try to make up, they are always up to some sort of weird olympic class "get even" head game) . (hummm.. I think this one is sounding like I still have an axe to grind here).
Cat has wised up and left several men in her life and never looked back even when one threatened to kill himself. And guess what....... he didn't have the guts (as I thought) and eventually found another one like me to minister to him. Cat is of the type that once a decision is made it's a done deal that that's it. It usually doesn't take me long to make up my mind either. I either like it or I don't.
59.If you find your attracted to someone then run home immediately and slam dance with the bedroom door till you are in tremendous & unbearable pain. (this will remind you what the end of this possible relationship is going to feel like). (And you save a lot of time and money). Then and only then can you make an educated judgment call in deciding if this relationship is worth pursuing.
Cat sees Byrdman's advice here but is unwilling to try it since she is not the masochistic type. Cat's technique is to bury the attraction deep within her psyche until the other shows signs of possible mutual feeling.
60.Don't believe that the photo she sent you has: a.) her current dental condition b.) her current weight. c.) her current age (they all looked good 20 years ago). d.) shown her flowered dress collection.
This one was funny. LOL I'm sending you my picure anyway. Good thing I wasn't wearing my flowered dress on that day........ Note to self: Hide all the flowered skirts in the closet.
61.Being Jaded can be a good thing sometimes. It turns you into an optimistic cynic.
And goodness knows cynics are most of the time amusing as hell. They are almost as much fun as those rare folks who can bitch for 10 minutes straight and never repeat themselves.
62.It is okay for a woman to have guy friends unless they define them as "not a threat" that means they have not had him yet, but is on her "guys to do" list.
All Cat's friends are guy friends because she has trouble relating to women. Cat doesn't care for gossiping, shopping, watching Jerry Springer, soaps, or Harlequin Romance. Cat would much rather spend a Sunday watching football, gambling, or maybe even dressing up in sexy lingerie and fooling around with an agreeable partner.
Hummm... men don't use a term like "agreeable partner" we use terms like "Sport Sex " BUT!, I can arrange adding your terminology as soon as the Board at the ByrdUnion meets next time.
63.If she asks "how many men define a gang" when taking a sexual purity and experience test, immediately refer to Rule #59 and bruise yourself some more. (you really know how to pick um bucko!).
Cat wishes to know if Byrdman's sex tests are as much fun as his rules of relationships are.
The Link is coming to the Sex Purity test . (so stop by often!. Tell all your friends to stop by too!)